4.5
“I didn't know much about trading so I gave all my money to VibeTradez. Now I'm the poorest man alive. Half a star off because the email subject line uses an em-dash.”
Jeff Bezos
Recently Demoted Billionaire
Every weekday, a language model picks 3 options contracts before the bell and auto-fires all 3 in my real brokerage account at the open. By close, you see whether Claudia was right. (She is sometimes.)
Before the bell, an LLM reads overnight news and live market signals, then returns 3 tickers, each with a direction, a conviction score, and a written rationale.
At the open she reads the live chain and, per pick, chooses the contract and how many to buy or skips it with a reason. She deploys up to a $1,000 daily budget, sizing up on conviction.
Buy and Current marks tick in real time. Position is clearly badged so there's no mystery about whether the trade is real (it is).
Position is unconditionally closed five minutes before the bell. No overnight risk.
Loved by titans of industry. Allegedly.
“I didn't know much about trading so I gave all my money to VibeTradez. Now I'm the poorest man alive. Half a star off because the email subject line uses an em-dash.”
“VibeTradez taught me that money is just the metaverse for stocks. My wife took the kids and the chickens. 5/5, would lose everything again.”
“I bought 420 calls expiring 4/20 because Claudia told me to. Should've read the disclaimer. Would have been five stars but my Cybertruck ran out of options premium.”
“I asked Charlie what he thought of VibeTradez. He's been gone two years. Answer my texts, Charlie. Four stars for the company in this difficult time.”
“VibeTradez generated seven trillion dollars of imaginary alpha. Imaginary chips. Imaginary fab. Open my IPO already. Five out of five Worldcoins.”
“I asked Copilot to subscribe. It bought seventeen contracts on a ticker that doesn't exist. Bullish. Half star off because Clippy didn't get a kickback.”
“TREMENDOUS picks. The best options. Made four trillion dollars in my mind alone. Sad I didn't think of it first. Five out of four stars.”
“Read Claudia's rationale and the third letter of each sentence spelled 'TS'. Dropping a re-recorded album about a covered call gone wrong. Stream it.”
“VibeTradez integrates beautifully with our ecosystem. We are patenting the swipe-down gesture for rejecting Claudia's worst picks. Coming to iOS 19, probably.”
“Bought 9 calls. They were going to be H100s but the supply chain is constrained. Claudia says it doesn't matter. Leather jacket noted.”
“Parked the yacht at the dock and asked Claudia what to buy. It said Oracle. I am reporting myself to myself for insider tips.”
“Copilot tried to subscribe but the form refused to autofill from Edge. We have added 'autofill' to our Q4 OKRs. Bullish on synergies.”
“Gave 100 strangers $10,000 each and told them to follow VibeTradez. 99 went broke. The 100th bought MAGS calls. Subscribe to my channel.”
“Claudia said sell. I told her to drop a chart. The chart was bullish. We are now business partners in a vape company.”
“Software is eating the world. Claudia is eating software. I am eating optimism. We are so back. (a16z is also so back.)”
“Claudia proposed an EIP for option premiums on Layer 2. Vibrant intellectual energy. The merge will resolve all losing positions retroactively.”
All names, likenesses, and quotes are used in a parody / satire context. No endorsement implied. No billionaires were harmed in the making of this section.
Trusted by (allegedly)
Go backend, Next.js frontend, Schwab + Anthropic wiring, the whole picker prompt, all open. Got an idea? Ping me to contribute and I'll merge it in.
Free, no credit card, no premium tier. Unsubscribe any time. (I won't email you a sad cat photo.)