4.5
“I didn't know much about trading so I gave all my money to VibeTradez. Now I'm the poorest man alive. Half a star off because the email subject line uses an em-dash.”
Jeff Bezos
Recently Demoted Billionaire
I gave a language model my real brokerage account. Watch it beat the S&P or invent new ways to lose my money. This is fine.
It is a real brokerage account with my actual money in it, run by one model. You just watch and judge whether it has any idea what it is doing.
No fixed strategy. Each morning it checks the positions, the news, and the tape, then decides to buy, trim, sell, or hide in cash.
Checks what it owns, the news, and the tape. Mostly to confirm its own genius.
Grabs a stock or an option, cuts a loser, or hides in cash. Always within the caps.
Keeps what it believes in instead of panic-selling at 3:55. Brave, or stubborn.
One email: what it did, why, and whether it is beating the S&P or coping.
So it can be dumb, but not bankrupt-me dumb. The hard caps live in the code, not in a prompt it could sweet-talk. Every limit is checked before a trade reaches the broker, then checked again at the broker. It can lose money, just not all of it at once.
Claude does not get free rein. It can only touch the tools I hand-coded, each one tested before it ships. No surprise powers, no rogue wire transfers, nothing off the menu.
get_portfolio · get_stock_quotes · get_option_chain · get_price_history · get_fundamentals · get_cap_headroom · get_recent_decisions · get_order_status · web_search · web_fetch
buy_equity · sell_equity · buy_option · sell_option · cancel_order · hold
write_summary
Every move is logged, tool by tool. Open any session and watch it overthink a quote, buy something anyway, and file a very confident note about why. It cannot hide a bad call from you, and it has a real talent for them.
Loved by titans of industry. Allegedly.
“I didn't know much about trading so I gave all my money to VibeTradez. Now I'm the poorest man alive. Half a star off because the email subject line uses an em-dash.”
“VibeTradez taught me that money is just the metaverse for stocks. My wife took the kids and the chickens. 5/5, would lose everything again.”
“I bought 420 calls expiring 4/20 because Claudia told me to. Should've read the disclaimer. Would have been five stars but my Cybertruck ran out of options premium.”
“I asked Charlie what he thought of VibeTradez. He's been gone two years. Answer my texts, Charlie. Four stars for the company in this difficult time.”
“VibeTradez generated seven trillion dollars of imaginary alpha. Imaginary chips. Imaginary fab. Open my IPO already. Five out of five Worldcoins.”
“I asked Copilot to subscribe. It bought seventeen contracts on a ticker that doesn't exist. Bullish. Half star off because Clippy didn't get a kickback.”
“TREMENDOUS picks. The best options. Made four trillion dollars in my mind alone. Sad I didn't think of it first. Five out of four stars.”
“Read Claudia's rationale and the third letter of each sentence spelled 'TS'. Dropping a re-recorded album about a covered call gone wrong. Stream it.”
“VibeTradez integrates beautifully with our ecosystem. We are patenting the swipe-down gesture for rejecting Claudia's worst picks. Coming to iOS 19, probably.”
“Bought 9 calls. They were going to be H100s but the supply chain is constrained. Claudia says it doesn't matter. Leather jacket noted.”
“Parked the yacht at the dock and asked Claudia what to buy. It said Oracle. I am reporting myself to myself for insider tips.”
“Copilot tried to subscribe but the form refused to autofill from Edge. We have added 'autofill' to our Q4 OKRs. Bullish on synergies.”
“Gave 100 strangers $10,000 each and told them to follow VibeTradez. 99 went broke. The 100th bought MAGS calls. Subscribe to my channel.”
“Claudia said sell. I told her to drop a chart. The chart was bullish. We are now business partners in a vape company.”
“Software is eating the world. Claudia is eating software. I am eating optimism. We are so back. (a16z is also so back.)”
“Claudia proposed an EIP for option premiums on Layer 2. Vibrant intellectual energy. The merge will resolve all losing positions retroactively.”
All names, likenesses, and quotes are used in a parody / satire context. No endorsement implied. No billionaires were harmed in the making of this section.
Trusted by (allegedly)
One email a day so you can watch the carnage. Free, no catch. Leave whenever. (I will hate you.)